Now, when I heard that this new F13 movie was going to be a reboot of the original, I have to admit my spider-sense started to tingle a bit. Reboots are always slippery slopes, either they work well or crash and burn, there’s not much leeway. Then I heard that the crew responsible for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot was handling the project and I started to get worried. TCM was a decent flick, but it certainly had its flaws (first and foremost trying to turn Leatherface into a sympathetic he’s-not-evil-he’s-just-misunderstood character) and doesn’t really hold up well against the original.
Eh, let’s hope they don’t screw it up, but don’t get your hopes up, I told myself.
Then I read an interview with Derek Mears, who portrayed Jason (sorry, no one will ever top Kane Hodder’s performances), in which he said "Jason represents anyone who was teased as a kid. We've all gone through different stages in high-school, I had my hair loss, people had stuttering problems, they were outcasts and misfits, and that's what he ties into and that's what I myself tied into."
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww crap. They’re gonna screw it all up!
Needless to say, I went in expecting Friday the 13th ’09 to suck. Did it?
Before we get into the rest of the review, a little back story. F13 came out in 1980 about a mur-diddly-urdlur killing a bunch of teenage camp counselors at Camp Crystal Lake. Turns out it was the cook Pamela Voorhees because her own son (Jason) drowned when his counselors went off to have sex and smoke pot. F13 Part 2 introduced us to mstie-sized Jason who carried on his mother’s work in killing sexy pot smoking teens (and anyone else dumb enough to trespass in his woods, for that matter). The franchise spawned 12 movies (including Freddy vs. Jason and this latest venture), toys, books, video games, comics, a TV show (that actually had nothing to do with Jason or Camp Crystal Lake, but it was called Friday the 13th The Series, so we have to count it), and any other media Jason could latch onto with his blood-soaked hands. Oh, he also went to space and became a T-800.
And now back to F13 2009.
Fast forward to present day. A group of sexy teens (well, twenty-somethings) is wandering through the forest, 3 guys 2 gals. The trip is alluded to just being a little vacation to get one girl away from the stress of taking care of her sick mother; she feels very guilty about leaving her mother in the care of a nurse while she goes acampin un atrappin with her friends, but it was her mother’s idea apparently. In truth, the camping trip is really a front for two of the guys that are looking for a wild crop of weed which they plan to harvest and sell back home. The weed patch is actually a semi-important plot-point and crops (HA!) up throughout the film in little jokes. I don’t think it’s much of a spoiler to say that Jason runs roughshod over the sexy teens. He hasn’t donned the mask yet as he still has a bag draped over his deformed noggin (a la Friday the 13th Part 2). It looks like a plastic Wal-Mart bag with an eyehole, but it’s still actually pretty freaky-deaky.
Flash forward again six weeks. Clay Miller is looking for his sister Whitney who went missing six months before (she was the aforementioned girl feeling guilty about leaving her sick mother). He drives around Crystal Lake talking to the locals and passing out flyers with Whitney’s face. Coincidently, a group of teens (twenty-sometime college kids) has just arrived at Crystal Lake. There’s Trent the douchebag, Bree the bimbo bubblehead, Nolan douchebag Jr., and Chelsea bimbo bubblehead 2. Also in the team are Lawrence the pothead black guy, Chewie the pothead Asian guy, and Jenna the sweet and virtuous one. Clay gets into it with Trent, because Trent’s a douchebag, but Jenna feels sorry for the poor guy and apologizes for Trent’s douchebaggedness. Clay hops on his bike and rides off to pass out more flyers while the others head off to Trent’s dad’s cabin-mansion. Clay gets pulled over by a cop and we find out that the police have given up the search for his sister Whitney and her friends after finding no trace.
Back at Trent’s pad we find him yelling at everyone for spilling beer, knocking stuff over, and basically doing exactly what they went out to the woods in the first place: partying. See, it’s Trent’s dad’s place and he doesn’t want it to get trashed. Then why the hell did you drag a bunch of college yo-yos up there in the first place, you damn douchebag?! Apparently because he’s rich and he wanted to show off (sweet & virtuous Jenna made that observation). You get the idea that no one in the group really likes Trent, but hangs around him because he’s got cash; everyone tends to bitch about him and his douchebaggedness behind his back.
While all this is going on, Jason is off keeping himself busy. He finds Lil Kev* fondling a mannequin that apparently he lost his virginity to (??). Again, I don’t think it’s much of a spoiler to say that Jason makes sort work of Lil Kev*, and during the fray gets his sack ripped off his face. Lil Kev* has a bunch of junk in his place, not just a mannequin with very pronounced and erect nipples, and this is where Jason finds and puts on the iconic hockey mask.
And I’ll stop right there. I won’t tell you who lives and who dies and how the survivor girl survives, although if you’ve ever seen anyone of the F13 flicks you can probably already guess. I do want to say this about Jason’s prey, his victims fall into one of three categories: 1) they are very unlikeable and you really want to see them dead, 2) they are very likeable and you really don’t want to see them dead, 3) you don’t really care much about them one way or the other and you paid to see them dead.
Trent the douchebag is very, very unlikeable and I really, really wanted to see him get whacked in a most gruesome manner. Lawrence the black pothead and Chewie the Asian pothead were very likeable, and I would’ve hated to see them go, but if they went, hey, that’s what I paid for. As for who makes it through, you’ll probably be a bit surprised.
So did Friday the 13th 2009 suck? I am happy to say that it did not! While it wasn’t oh-my-Goddess-amazing, it was a good movie and does stack up well with the rest of the franchise. They did a really good job putting it together and mixing elements from all the movies, enough to keep longtime fans happy while also not leaving newer fans behind. There was plenty of sex and tit-shots and the characters and script were cheesy just like the rest of the franchise. As I said before, I was very unsure of how Derek Mears would handle the role of Jason Voorhees, and while I still prefer Kane Hodder, any reservations I had about Mears was quickly thrown out as he pulled off a topnotch performance. He didn’t deflate the character in the slightest, but instead made Jason very similar to the monstrous, albeit still flesh & blood, killing machine he was in the first few movies before he turned into a zombie. He’s actually very spry and as silent as a ninja, very commendable for a guy of his size. Jason also seems to have such an elaborate system of tunnels beneath Crystal Lake that you’d swear he was a Viet-Cong. He’s just enough like the old Jason to be what fans remember and adore but different enough to be refreshing.
This movie will be a good addition to any F13 fan’s collection. Not my favorite, but certainly better than that blemish Part 9. I heard a rumor that they’re already planning a sequel and if they make it only half as good as this one, it’ll still be an awesome F13 movie.
I give Friday the 13th 2009 5 Noknies if you’re a fan of the franchise:
JRaptor369@hotmail.com